Six Planes for a Good Cup of Coffee

Everyone knows how much I like a good cup of coffee. So I set out in search of it. Detroit to New York to Madrid to Milano, then two hours down to Modeno.

The drive down from Milano was quick as a "professional" was at the wheel. He spoke nearly no English but had my Italian beat by about 100 words. I tried playing the "How do you say 'X' in Italiano?" The game didn't go over so well, as I just couldn't seem to get the idea across that I was asking him to help me learn some words. The only exception was the word "rain" and I have already forgotten how to say it because of sheer exhaustion from the previous failures. On the way back I had the same driver, we both decided it was best I investigate the landscape in detail.

I stayed in a very nice hotel next to downtown. The elevator said it would hold four personne but I'm glad I was the only one ever in it. The room was one of the smallest I've ever stayed in but it was just my size.

In the narrow back wall behind long, dense curtains, was a balcony door that opened to the full width of the room. The room was stuffy as none of the power is activated until you put your room key into an interior slot. Such a sensible requirement, like only passing on the left.

My bathroom surprised me with its relative opulent size. It certainly wasn't large, but again just my size. I was immediately intrigued by the two toilet like objects. One was certainly a traditional toilet although square and rather squat sans the back tank part. The other was a boday, I'd seen then before but not in a while. I turned the water on for a bit and tried to image what I would with it. Not sure why I thought someone would rush in and catch me playing with it, but quickly turned it off and pretended never to notice it again.

Then there was the long cord with red tab that was in my shower as well as some public bathrooms. My first instinct of course was to pull it to see what it did. But then I had this image of me in the shower with a shocked look on my face as four emergency crew members bust down the door.

I did some walking around after freshening up. It as a beautifully Italian town; twisty streets, hidden courtyards, little cafes, people riding bikes, old men sipping coffee and elaborate architecture from at least a million years ago.

It took me some time to finally decide to sit down somewhere. I guess because I grew up in a foreign speaking family, I have never been comfortable not knowing the language. After pretending to look around, I asked someone young looking for a coffee and water. They had to look towards this older woman who had to ask again what I wanted. This is the time I so prayed I could just play the part of accidental tourist.

The chair I sat in wobbled on the cobblestone, my ashtray was full of someone elses butts and abandoned gum. My coffee was great, all three tiny sips. After the required minimum sitting time and number of nods at the statues in the plaza were both reached, I decided to leave. I forgot to research the etiquette of tipping so I decided to leave none. I figured I'd rather be a nasty American then a dumb one. As it turned out I ended up being only a nervous looking one.

I went to a traditional family restaurant for dinner. Seven tables, one sitting. The owner immediately brought our a few mini breaded deep fried meatballs, he tells us its his grandmothers recipe. There could have been anything inside, even the missing apron string.

He then brought out what they called a scampi, but it looked like a crayfish playing the part of a mini lobster. It must have been doubly hard for it to appear dignified as it was sticking half way out of a glass filled with asparagus puree. After I ate the sliver of meat off its tail, I set it aside on a separate plate tucking in its mini-me claws in so it appeared to be angry. Hey at least I ate your tail, looks like your buddy at the other table was simply set aside as a garnish, I thought.

The main course was a huge section, not slice, of a local cow. It was mostly raw, no processing, no seasoning, lots of fat. A phase from the Old Testament kept coming to my mind "an aroma pleasing to the Lord". A salt mixture on the side was its only companion. I'll be digesting this meat until at least the Republicans get back into office.

The highlight however was what the owner called pre-dessert. It was a small dollop of ice cream with parmesan cheese and a dripping of very thick balsamic vinegar. Any other place and you would have thought "hmmm nice, a little ice cream with white chocolate flakes and syrup". Now I have to admit, I'll try anything and pretend to like it. And by pretend I mean to rely on my super power to genuinely not care that I don't really love to not, not like something. Its a gift I'm particularly thankful for and normally comes in handy. I did not call on it in this case.

This dish was truly amazing. I didn't specifically want to love it, but I did. This wasn't the "want this everyday" kind of love, but rather the "I love this moment" type. The parmesan taste was not an accent flavor but instead the primary one. The owner cleared this up by saying that when he made the geleto, after the cream boils he adds equal parts parmesan as cream. I was going to stand up, put my fingers to my lips and yell "Magnifisento!!" but just couldn't muster up the courage.

It was a good trip. I've always enjoyed discovering the various cultural flavors of the world, I only wish I had more opportunity.

One thing I noticed a few times on this trip is that the Italians, and I think this is true for most of the southern Europeans, is that if anyone even asks them for directions they will not only go out of their way to help but they will also walk you over to where you are going. In fact, once I saw two gentlemen come out of a business to help and then after arguing a bit, they both walked this guy down and around the corner and watched him until he walked out of sight.

Sign of the Times

In a Tokyo bar:

Special coctails for the ladies with nuts.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:

Stop: Drive sideways.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave you clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, an only when lit up.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:

To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish Hotel:

Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15, 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today – no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and sent them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

-English well talking.

-Here speeching American

In a Hong Kong supermarket:

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In an East African newspaper:

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:

In case of firee, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong:

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Walk This Way

Since I have such a hard time following in his path, the least I could do is try on his shoes.

Old Testament

I remember in Sunday school, the teacher said we should all read the Bible. It would not be easy but he was going to give us ten years to do it. Ten years, I thought, wow that’s plenty of time. Well thirty years later I thought I should get started. I have always been intrigued by the Old Testament as it seemed really out there. Once I got into it, I found it was WAY out there. I give the followers of these words a great deal of credit for being able to reconcile them in today’s world. But at the same time I find virtually the entire thing very believable and profound. I’m not turned off at all by the death, destruction and overall meanness of God or the people in it.

I can’t say I gained any great insight or revelations. But reading them for myself was important. For me much of it was simply amazing. Much of it occurred over two thousand years ago, that’s many thousands of generations. The people I can from lived during this time, probably not in this area, but maybe. They had many of the same concerns as we do today in our internet connected society but they also lived during a time we just can begin to imagine.

The fact that all of this has survived and influenced so many people so profoundly is nothing short of a miracle. Below is my quick interpretation.

Genesis

In the beginning God made man to have someone to hang out with and gave him a woman and all kinds of creatures. He told them “Ignorance is bliss” but when they chose knowledge, he said life will now be difficult, and it has been ever since.

Man propagated but God didn’t like what they became, but he liked Noah. He killed them all but Noah and his family as a reboot of the man experiment.

Later man strayed again but this time he picked Abraham. He had a son Isaac who had Jacob, who had Joseph. Joseph was sold to the Egyptians as a slave but later became the number guy after the Pharaoh and was able to save his family and all the his people when they moved to Egypt.

Exodus

Later the Egyptian Pharaoh’s thought the second class citizen Jews were becoming to numerous, so they tried to thin the numbers by killing the newborn boys. Moses survived and through God brought wrath onto the Egyptians until he let them leave along with a bunch of loot from the locals.

The Jews left but strayed from God. He wanted to kill them but Moses pleaded from them. God made them wonder though the desert until that current generation died off.

Leviticus

God gives his people a huge and detailed list of rules. Rules on what to eat, how couples engage and worshiping that consisted of sacrificing and burning certain animal parts. It set up a very structured priesthood. He was particularly ruthless about punishing people that worshipped other Gods. Much of the killing of other tribes later on is so his people don’t learn the worshipping habits of other people.

Numbers

This is an accounting journal of the people. Very detailed records.

Deuteronomy

This is basically a rehash by Moses of everything that happened up until now. Moses dies before they get to the promised land.

Joshua

Joshua is the successor to Moses. He takes the people into Canaan and crushes and annihilates everyone until they conquer most of the land promised. This period is particularly brutal by today’s standards. He is very successful during the initial conquest. He divides up all the land between the 12 tribes.

Judges

It gets messy as they try and claim the rest of the territory and fall into a period of defeat until certain Judges (mini leaders) but lasts only during the period these Judges are alive. All defeats are blamed on Gods people turning away from him. When it gets bad enough, they come back, ask for help and God sends them a Judge.

Ruth

Cute story of Ruth, the good daughter-in-law. After sticking it out with her mother-in-law she gets rewarded with a new husband and to be the great grandmother of Kind David.

1 Samuel

Samuel becomes an important priest of the Lord and anoints Saul as the first King of Israel. But Saul gets mad when a young David gets better placement in a song than he does and wants to kill him. David gives Saul a few chances and surprisingly stays loyal to the current king. Saul son Jonathan sides with David. But God sends the king and his son to battle and both die and the ark of the covenant is captured because God is displeased with Saul.

2 Samuel

David becomes king but commits adultery and murder but overall is a good king. He shows kindness to the previous kings family, rare at the time. Two of his sons die, one that raped his sister the other that killed him for it.

1 Kings

David gets old, there is a power struggle but he helps get his son Solomon into power as the next king. Solomon is a great king, finds peace or victory on all sides and builds the first Temple, piled high with gold. God is unhappy again because the people are once again worshipping false idols so promises bad stuff will happen.

2 Kings

After the death of Solomon, the kingdom breaks up and goes into civil and external war for a LONG time.

Chronicles

After a long exile from their land and in under the control of others, the people start to return and this book is intended to list the details and records of the past. I think it was suppose to inspire people, but only an accountant could love this. The Temple is destroyed and contents carried off to Babylon.

Ezra

Cyrus king of Persia decides to let the Jews return and rebuild their temple. Erza leads the people to get rid of the foreign brides and people.

Nehemiah

Recounts the details of who has returned and who did what in Old Testament excruciating detail. They start the task of rebuilding the temple and city wall. Many enemies try and stop them and the people arm themselves while working.

Esther

This is a story of a Jewish woman that becomes queen to the Persian king. One of the kings men hates the Jews and sets up a plan to kill her stepfather who will not bow down to the king and have all Jews killed throughout the kingdom. Ester exceeds her role and convinces the King to not only spare the step father but Jews everywhere. On top of this they hang the person responsible for the plan and kill all his sons.

Job

A well known story that is suppose to teach us about suffering. Job is a god-fearing righteous man that is the pawn of a bet between the devil and God. God says “Look at Job, he is such a good guy” The devils says “Sure but its only because he has everything, let’s take it away and see what he does.” So the devil destroys his farm and kills all his children. Job bows down and says “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” The devil then says, “Sure but if we take his health, then he will crack”, so Job ends up in a dump heap scarping scars with a broken pot shard. Again he shakes it off. Three friends come to try and help. They say, come on Job, you must have been a bad guy for all this to happen, but he insists otherwise. They argue for a while, they God buts in and says you guys suck, Job you rule and gives him back everything he had X2 and has him live to be 140 years old.

Psalms

A bunch of poems mostly asking God to help defeat ones enemies. I know there are some very popular ones but I found them lacking in the punch I thought they would contain.

Proverbs

This is the book of wisdom. Like Psalms I didn’t find them as powerful as I would have imagined.

Ecclesiastes

This book tries to drive home the point that life is futile and personal gain a waste of time. I’m told this book points to the coming a Christ, but I didn’t really see it.

Song of Solomon

A sassy description of the romantic relationship between God and his country. Its more blatant then I would have expected. Not quite a love poem, but getting there.

Isaiah

Here the author prophesies the doom of Israel but also its restoration. Like many of the prophets of the time, there is a lot of doom and gloom. Also, it doesn’t matter if you try and do good, as you might be suffering because of what your ancestors did. Seems like the writing was on the wall for some time.

Jeremiah

Jeremiah like other prophets tries to warn the Jews that honoring other God’s is going to bring down the wrath of God. Nobody really listens to him, in fact they seem to treat him like a quack in the streets. He is pretty bitter and frustrated. After much warning he witnesses the destruction of the temple.

Lamentations

This book was written by Jeremiah just after the fall of Jerusalem. Not quite a “I told you so” but maybe that was his intention.

Ezekiel

A prophet during the exile. He tried to help fellow Jews to maintain faith and gave some guidance about practical issues like where to worship now that the temple was destroyed and they would in far away lands. He also tells how the temple would be rebuilt.

Daniel

This prophet also lived during the exile. Daniel is true to his faith and is believed to be able to interpret dreams because of this. Daniel becomes an advisor to Nebuchadnezzar who is currently ruling over them in Babylon and interprets his dreams for him.

The Twelve Prophets

With the exception of Jonah, these minor prophets; Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi don’t stick out in my mind. Perhaps it was because listening to the entire Old Testament was like a marathon and the last mile is just a blur. Jonah of course ,is an interesting story of a man that tried to not do what is suppose to, but does it anyway thanks to God putting him into the mix.